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The Worst Year of My Life

Today officially marks the end of the worst year of my life. It's hard for me to write that because I have so much to be thankful for in my life -- a wonderful new house, a loving husband, a healthy child. And believe, me I feel plenty guilty that I feel this way, but, on August 22, 2012 my life took a turn that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And, its been a kick to the teeth nearly everyday since then. Not one day goes by that I don't think of the four angels I have waiting for me.

One year ago today, my pregnancy with Elsie officially ended. And my journey with recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility began. I didn't know at the time, but I would have to go through the hope, the excitement, the worry, the pain, the anguish, and the depression four times over the year. While I'm still breathing and living, I am in no way the person I was on August 21. I'm a broken person, scarred, never to be put back together the same way again. 

The worst year of my life. 

I want to hope that this next year will be better. I really really do. But, I'm not in a hopeful place right now. I'm in a dark place. I'm in a trying to cope place -- living everyday like I'm not constantly thinking about my four losses. Everyday, I'm trying to pretend that I'm not mourning the life that I had planned for myself, trying to pretend like I'm not constantly thinking about getting pregnant/being pregnant/miscarrying. 

The reality is that not a day goes by that I don't constantly think about where my life would be had August 22, 2012 {and the days leading up to the d&c} never happened. Not a single day goes by where I don't think about what it would be like to be pregnant again, or what it would be like to not carry this pain around, or how it would feel to know why all of this has happened.  

I have no idea how to move forward from today. How to get over what we've lost and enjoy what I have. Or, how to stop feeling so completely alone. 

The worst year of my life. 

I hate that I mean that. But I really really do.

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Comments

a_est said…
I'm so sorry and you have every right to feel that way.
Claire said…
I'm so sorry for your losses Nicole. You have every right to feel the way you do and I hope those around you can support you during this time. Best Wishes.
The Pajama Mama said…
I'm so sorry for all you've lost and all that you continue to lose. Have you considered seeing a therapist? It sounds like you are reeling and feeling lonely in your grief. Therapy can help a lot with that feeling and to provide you with tools to begin to heal.

Either way, you are not alone, and you are loved.
Anonymous said…
I'm so sorry for your losses. Don't feel guilty for feelings, though. It takes time to heal after such tragedies. It took several years and, yes, some therapy for me to get to a good place after my loss. MLB
Heather said…
Always thinking of you and hoping for things to turn around. Here's to many many better years ahead. Enjoy every moment with Henry though and hang in there. <3
I am so sorry for the loss of your little one, Nicole. It every parent's worse nightmare and I can't even imagine the anguish of going through that four separate times in a year! Many prayers for you!
Chelley N said…
I can so relate to this post. I have had two pregnancy losses this year, but often feel guilty when I say this is the worst year of my life because I have two living children that brighten my every day. It's such a conflict of emotions. I'm so sorry for your losses.
Nicole, I'm so sorry for your losses. I know that it has to leave you heartbroken. Please, never doubt or feel guilty because of your feelings. They are yours and they are real.
Diana Lucero said…
Big, big hugs going your way. You have suffered an immense loss four times over. You absolutely need to grieve and cry. The hardest thing is to reach out and say, wow I am struggling...as you have done. That takes an incredible amount of strength and vulnerability. Surround yourself with love.
Jelli B. said…
I'm really glad to see that the following day marks such a joyful occasion in your life. Prayers going out for you this month.
I'm praying for you and hope that this upcoming year will be uplifting. God bless :)
Anonymous said…
I just found your blog looking for tot school information and stumbled across this post. I realize you wrote this several months ago, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for all your losses. I have a toddler, but before she came along my husband and I experienced 3 miscarriages ourselves. At the risk of being inappropriate or obnoxious (or redundant as you already have this information), I just wanted to share with you something my doctor had me do before I started the infertility roller coaster - take a baby asprin daily for the first several weeks of my cycle. To my amazement, I was able to maintain my pregnancy and now have my daughter. This could be coincidental, but just thought I would share. Here is a story CNN did that also talks about this - http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/06/09/miscarriage.not.fluke.ep/

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