Finding Meaning, Finding our Home
When you experience a pregnancy loss, there are a certain percentage of people that know who will tell you something like "it was meant to be" or something similar. At the time, I thought, "wow, that's total bullshit." I understand why people say it, it's a tough situation and nothing anyone says makes you feel any better.
But, for me, I think I have finally found some meaning to losing our baby -- who we have named Elsie. Not necessarily, that it all happened just for this, but, I don't know, it's hard to explain. I just feel, now, that Elsie came here to give us something -- our home. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I am 100 percent certain we would never bought our new house, or moved at all.
See, we loved our little rental house prior to moving. Yes, it was too small for us, but it worked. When I got pregnant in July, Morgan and I sort of panicked. Where were we going to put the baby's stuff and Henry's stuff? Where is this baby going to sleep? How? The 900ish square feet just weren't going to be enough.
We had been causally looking online for houses for a year prior to this, but Morgan finally took the plunge and called our Realtor and set up an appointment. Right before the appointment on Friday, we got the devastating news that Elsie would not be a take-home baby. However, we had to wait over the weekend to meet with a a doctor to decide what to do. The Realtor appointment was Saturday. We needed something to keep our minds busy and distracted from the painful decisions we would be forced to make on Monday. So we kept the appointment, signed the papers, explained that we would casually look until this coming spring before getting too serious.
On Monday, we met with the doctor and we made the difficult decision to move forward with a D&C. By Wednesday afternoon, the pregnancy was officially over. Thursday was our 4th wedding anniversary. It was a horrible week. We needed to get out of the house. Have some fun. Hang out with Henry. So, we set up some house showings for Saturday. We would go, look at a few places, make a morning out of it, then have a fun lunch. We would try our best to be positive about the future.
Our house was the third house we looked at. It was big, beautiful and perfect. It was in our price range, it was huge and we were literally compromising on nothing! I knew it was our house the moment we came in. Despite having nothing prepared, we put an offer in within the week. And the rest is history!
I will forever wish I had Elsie. Got to hold her, kiss her. But since that cannot happen, having this house, this gift from her, is really the next best thing. And, I will forever be grateful to Elsie and to God.