Friday, September 28, 2012

HNS: What's a High Needs Baby?

As I said last week, I'm starting a series on high needs babies. But, what exactly is a high needs baby?


Doing research for this post, one thing is clear -- there is no single definition of a high needs baby or toddler. No one defining quality or checklist. But there certainly are similarities between high needs babies. Parenting expert Dr. Sears lists 12 qualities that are seen in high needs babies. You can read the full descriptions here. In summary a high needs baby or toddler is:

Intense* -- in your face about their every need, driven, loud
Hyperactive* -- constantly in motion, hate containment, fight swaddles
Draining* -- continuous need for attention
Feeds Frequently -- fights schedules and demands feeding
Demanding* -- strong willed, strong sense of urgency in everything they need
Awakens Frequently* -- poor sleepers, low sleep needs
Unsatisfied* -- hard to make content
Unpredictable* -- the same techniques for sleeping, soothing hardly work twice
Super Sensitive -- very aware of environment, easily overstimulated
Cant be put down -- extremely sensitive to touch, often not "cuddly"
Not a self-soother* -- need help to sleep or relax
Separation Sensitive* -- want to be with mother, frightened or anxious to be alone

Other traits additional experts include:

Spirited*
Difficult to soothe*
Excessive crying
Generally uncomfortable

This list is not exhaustive. That is what is so frustrating. A child may fit only one or two of these things but still be very high needs. Or a child may fit all of these. The stars are the traits that I see in Henry today, but at some point I think he has exhibited every one and there are others I could add to this list.

What I think is most important for everyone -- parents and others alike -- to understand is high needs is a real thing. You're not imagining it, the parents are not imagining it, and there really are babies like this. Also, it's not something that has a quick fix. High needs requires changing your expectations for your child. Adapting your skill set and knowing that this isn't just going to go away.

There is no magical 3,6,12,18 month mark where your child is just going to wake up and be different. And, honestly, that has been the hardest lesson for me to learn.

Next week's topic: High Needs Babies and Toddlers: The Good


Read More Resources and References:

Dr. Sears
Fussy Baby Site
Babies in Mind
Growing Slower

Are there traits that you would add to this list? Other defining qualities of high needs babies or toddlers?

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10 comments:

  1. I'm so eager for this series! I love everything you've said here. Ethan's always been a magnificent eater and pretty sweet about snuggling with others, so people have been quick to say "he's not high needs, you're crazy." Meanwhile, he pretty much never slept and he still never sleeps. 9 hours a night? One wake-up? He's good! 20 minute nap for the entire day? That's a great day for us! He just doesn't require sleep and never has. And like your list said, he needs such help being soothed enough to fall asleep. It's been exhausting.

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    1. I cannot imagine, even Hen sleeps more than that. But you're not alone! And Ethan's just too busy being awesome to sleep. :) ::big hugs::

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  2. Eek, I'm worried about this next baby now! :P So Nicole, would you say this is like a personality category?? Like how we'd say someone is Type A personality? Jessie :)

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    1. Don't worry, your baby is who she is! Just know that it's possible that she may not be laid back. High needs is kinda like a personality trait, however it's not quite. Many children will become less needy as they get older and become more like their non-high needs peers, unlike a type A who tends to stay that way their whole life.

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  3. Yeah I gotta say my heart is racing a bit with #2 due in 5 weeks and my first who was a completely NOT high-needs baby!

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  4. Wow! I didnt realize that my sweet baby boy pretty much fits your list perfectly.

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  5. My daughter is definitely high-needs! I have been feeling stressed about this for months now, and this post just helps validate that it's who she is...right now, at least. Dreams of an easy baby can probably safely be set aside ;)

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  6. Thanks for sharing about this. I never really knew what characterized a high needs baby from a generally fussy infant. Helpful to know!

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  7. Sorry I'm just getting around to reading this. As I read through this list, I couldn't help but notice how much crossover there is between "high needs" traits and some typical characteristics of gifted children. It makes me wonder if there is a higher percentage of gifted children among the high needs population or even if being a high needs baby indicates future giftedness.

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  8. Thanks for sharing this!
    My 12 month old son is high needs. It's so exhausting! Especially when there are zero friends or family around to help out for a couple hours! (We are military, living in Germany for the moment.) He sleeps 3-4 hours at a time. That's it. Once and awhile we will get a 5 hour stretch. Then he's up for a couple hours and ready to play, play, play. He will sleep "for the night" for about 10 hours, but that includes his awake times. He takes 2 or 3 two hour naps during the day, which of course I sleep through instead of getting anything done. We're trying to cut out the late afternoon nap now. Last night it helped, tonight... not so much.

    I'm so incredibly worried about what will happen when his brother is born in another 20 weeks! He needs attention ALL the time!

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