Skip to main content

On Loss and Our First Days

I've sat down to write this post 4 different times now. Each time I've stared at the blank whitness and blinking curser not knowing where to start. I think "just write something." Right now it's 5:15 a.m., Nora is wide awake and I'm trying to coax her back to sleep. There, I started.

Reality is, this post is hard because I'm feeling hard emotions. I was half expecting to fertility -- or infertility -- to be easier to deal with following Nora's birth, but it really hasn't been. It's just complicated.

I love Nora with every fiber of every cell in my body. The sheer joy I feel holding her, kissing her, nursing her makes every 5:00 a.m. feeding worth it. Sometimes, I just look at her and cry I'm so happy to have her. I will never forget how different things could have turned out -- not conceiving, an early miscarriage, a premature birth. Nora's life will always be the miracle that I prayed and begged for. 

I've honestly never been this happy in my life. Yes, it's still hard having a 3-year-old and a newborn. And I get frustrated, and I've cried from the exhaustion. But, still every part of me still feels relaxed and totally amazed with our little family. 

But the losses are still there. 4 babies, I'll never meet. I'll never hold, kiss, or nurse. I see Nora growing and wonder how each of those babies would have been. Would they sleep like her? Would they be as easy going? Maybe they would be more like Henry? Would Henry had loved them as much? Our first baby would be 15 months or so old right now -- could Nora have been baby number 3, instead of number 2? 


I wrote the above months ago. And, it was just too hard to conclude in any meaningful way, and it still is. I guess that's the thing about loss -- even when it's over, it's not. I'll never stop missing the babies that I don't get to hold. I'll carry the scar of pregnancy loss for the rest of my life. I'll find a way to deal with the scar, but it will always be there. And, I will never forget what we went through, it will be a constant reminder. And, I'll never stop being grateful for the two babies I have because I know how differently things could be. 


Thank you for writing this, Nicole!
Ashley said…
So sorry you are still dealing with these emotions. I wish I could say they go away, but they don't. They only lessen with time. I wonder the same about the babies I lost, but I know if I had them I wouldn't have the ones I have (timing wouldn't work out in or case). I also believe one day I will meet mine, and while I don't know your beliefs, I will pray for you during this hard time.
I have a friend who has four beautiful children and a very busy life with them. What she doesn't have is the 4 or 5 babies she never got to hold. She still misses that, years later. I can't imagine the hard days you must have sometimes, despite it all. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.
"I guess that's the thing about loss -- even when it's over, it's not."
You are beautiful.
Chelley N said…
This is a beautiful post. After two losses last year, I'm not pregnant with twins. It's so bittersweet and probably always will be.

Popular Posts

The Ultimate Montessori Toy List -- Birth to Five -- UPDATED 2019

When you are interested in Montessori, it can be difficult to know exactly what types of products you should get for your home. Or which types of "Montessori" materials are really worth the price. There are no rules about types of products can use the name Montessori which can add to the confusion. Not to mention, every toy manufacturer slaps the word "educational" on the package for good measure!

2019 UPDATE: This post has been updated to include a variety of brands and new product finds! Just a reminder that no one child will be interested in all of this or needs all of this. These toys are just here to spark ideas and give you a feeling for some Montessori-friendly options available! 

So, with this post, I'm going to try to help with this confusion! Here's a list of Montessori-friendly toys and materials for babies, toddlers and preschoolers. 

First, let's clarify that there is no such thing as a "Montessori toy." Montessori never created to…

Sensitive Periods from Birth to 6 - A Chart and Guide

Dr. Maria Montessori spent her life observing, studying, and writing about children. During her lifetime of work she discovered that young children move through a series of special times when they are particularly attracted to specific developmental needs and interests. She called these times, sensitive periods. During the sensitive period, children learn skills related to the sensitive period with ease. They don't tire of that work, but seek it, crave it and need it. When the sensitive period passes, this intense desire is gone, never to return. 

That doesn't mean the skill is lost forever once the sensitive period is over. Instead, it just means that it will take a more conscious effort to learn. As Dr. Montessori explains, 
This post contains affiliate links at no cost to you.
"A child learns to adjust himself and make acquisitions in his sensitive periods. These are like a beam that lights interiorly a battery that furnishes energy. It is this sensibility which enables a…

Working from Home with Kids - A Montessori Schedule

One part of my life that I haven't talked a ton about here on The Kavanaugh Report is how I'm a work-from-home parent. Eight years ago I started to work at home while parenting full time. For the first several years, I worked as a legal writer while maintaining this space on the side. When Gus was born, I moved into working on sharing our Montessori life full time. It has blossomed into a full time career sharing content here, teaching courses, and now the podcast! Through it all, my kids have been home with me. 
This all seems more relevant to so many of us now that Covid-19 has closed schools and forced parents to stay at home and work while caring for children. I'm not going to lie - it's tough. It's hard to balance work and kids, especially when children are used to a completely different routine. But, it's not impossible! And, it can even be enjoyable. 

As I talk about in my podcast Shelf Help, we block our days into 3 hours groups. It helps me remain fle…