I've been avoiding writing this post. Partly because I don't want to face reality, partly because I really don't know what our new realty is.
Some of you may have seen on Instagram, or noticed in the last tot school post that we took the crib down. It was the very first baby item we purchased. I was like 5 weeks pregnant with Henry when we bought it. And all these years later it is still one of my favorite baby things that we purchased. Now its in storage, maybe never to be used by us again.
It's a weird reality to face. Also, depressing and angry.
Yet, here we are. Officially, this cycle we are taking a break from trying to conceive. The RE wanted at least a one cycle break before checking on the cysts or trying more medication. If we want to continue with treatment, he recommends more Clomid.
But do we want to continue? As I see it, we have a few options:
1. Try on our own. Pros - I don't seem to be terrible at getting pregnant. Cons - I can't seem to stay pregnant.
2. Stick with the RE's plan. Pros - Clomid lengthens my LP and could produce a better quality egg. Cons - I really don't like my RE, he's an asshat at best, plus at almost $1,000 a cycle we really can't afford it.
3. Pursue adoption. Pros - We maybe get a baby. Cons - It's not immediate, there's no guarantee, and I don't think we can afford an infant.
4. Become foster parents. Pros - We get another child in our house and an amazing opportunity to do something for someone in need. Cons - It could take awhile to get licensed, I'm not sure how Henry would react to children coming and going, and I don't know if infants would be guaranteed.
5. Stop everything and revisit in a few years. Pros - There's no more back and forth, no more ups and downs. We're young enough that kids may still be a possibility in a few years. Cons - we may never have another baby -- who really wants to start over once their kids are past diapers/tantrums/preschool? We would have to be OK with having an only child.
I don't know, I just don't know. And I don't think Morgan knows. I wish someone could just make this decision for us. Just tell us what is best. Give us some odds. It feels like we are just wandering around in the dark unable to heal or actually go anywhere. Or, as if we are stranded on an island all alone -- we can see where we want to go, but we literally have no way to get there.
So, what do you do? What option would you take?
But do we want to continue? As I see it, we have a few options:
1. Try on our own. Pros - I don't seem to be terrible at getting pregnant. Cons - I can't seem to stay pregnant.
2. Stick with the RE's plan. Pros - Clomid lengthens my LP and could produce a better quality egg. Cons - I really don't like my RE, he's an asshat at best, plus at almost $1,000 a cycle we really can't afford it.
3. Pursue adoption. Pros - We maybe get a baby. Cons - It's not immediate, there's no guarantee, and I don't think we can afford an infant.
4. Become foster parents. Pros - We get another child in our house and an amazing opportunity to do something for someone in need. Cons - It could take awhile to get licensed, I'm not sure how Henry would react to children coming and going, and I don't know if infants would be guaranteed.
5. Stop everything and revisit in a few years. Pros - There's no more back and forth, no more ups and downs. We're young enough that kids may still be a possibility in a few years. Cons - we may never have another baby -- who really wants to start over once their kids are past diapers/tantrums/preschool? We would have to be OK with having an only child.
I don't know, I just don't know. And I don't think Morgan knows. I wish someone could just make this decision for us. Just tell us what is best. Give us some odds. It feels like we are just wandering around in the dark unable to heal or actually go anywhere. Or, as if we are stranded on an island all alone -- we can see where we want to go, but we literally have no way to get there.
So, what do you do? What option would you take?
Comments
So now I'm 27 with a 16 year old sister. My mom is a grandmother and the mother to a busy highschooler with homework, drama, hormonal freak-outs and dance practice. My mom is going through menopause and raising a child who recently got her first period. It sounds like a recipe for disaster but, you know, I've always loved it. My sister is my best friend. She was the 12 year old maid of honor at my wedding. She is "my first child" and a huge piece of my heart, despite the age of difference and it's frustrations (she wants to learn to drive, I want her to go to the museum and play with my toddler). And as corny as this sounds, I think having a teenager has kept my mom so much younger mentally and physically than my friends parents. While they're tired and retired and turn in early, my mom is Zumba-ing her heart out at my sister's dance studio and traveling the country with a teenager in tow and generally reliving her youth all over again.
What I'm trying to say is, I can't even imagine how frustrating it is to not know what will happen and to look at your plan -- like you said, who wants to start over when your kids are done being small children -- and see major flaws in it. But, man, the possibilities really are limitless. I'm a huge control freak and an insane planner, but no one really knows what could happen. My mother never thought she'd become a mother again in her 40's. She never thought she'd be pregnant again. It wasn't until I was pregnant myself as an adult that I learned of her fertility struggles, the appointments and pain -- physical and emotional -- and the anxiety and depression it created. (She did a great job hiding it from me growing up, I must say.)
You and your family have been in my heart constantly. I wish I had answers, or a solution, or some useful advice but I don't. I don't know what to say except that whatever happens -- whether you adopt, foster, have an only child or one day have a surprise miracle baby for some unknown reason -- you are amazing. Truly and utterly amazing. <3
I have been following your blog forever. I have a son around the same age as Henry and I love to see Henry's cute little face.
With my first pregnancy, I tried Clomid and got pregnant after the second attempt, but had a miscarriage about 9 weeks along. I thought it was the end of the world and did not have the strength and courage to move forward. One day I woke up and decided my want for a family was greater than my fear of another loss. I called my RE up and I started Clomid again. I delivered a healthy baby boy 9 months later.
Fast forward 1 year and I called my RE again to begin treatment. I started on Clomid and received negative pregnancy tests. I switched over to Clomid and injectables and still nothing. My RE suggested just trying injectables alone. I was ready to give up, but decided to give it one last try. Guess what? I am due in December with twins.
Sorry I dragged on. Have you thought about changing REs and starting injectables? I have read that injectables help produce much better follicles than Clomid and they will not give you all those nasty side effects.
Please do not give up on your desire to extend your family. Rather it be through IF treatment, adoption or fostering, your baby will come along soon. Stay strong and keep believing!
I know that is just practical advice. I have no idea what would help you cope with this decision, I have no easy solution for you, but I really hope that you find what you need. You seem like such a wonderful mother, and parents, that any child would be lucky to be part of your family
And then...choose whichever option brings you the most peace. Even if it looks harder or scarier at the outset.
That is what I wish for you: Peace. And joy coming perhaps from an unexpected source.
Love and hugs!
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