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March 19, 2013

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop and Then it Does

I don't know what to write. I have nothing positive to say. No upside to this. Nothing.

On Friday, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I felt nothing. Well, I felt fear, and anxiety.

Saturday, I took another. Positive. Morgan and I let ourselves be happy for five minutes before going back to pretending like nothing was happening.

Sunday. More positives. But they aren't getting darker. Anxiety sets in.

Monday. Still faint positive. Cramping increases over the day. Heavy cramps by evening.

Today. The other shoe drops -- negative. Blood work done -- negative. Cramps increase and spotting starts. Doctor expects once progesterone is out of my system that cycle will officially end. 

I am numb. 

Three losses in less than nine months. Plus, whatever last month was

I'm only left asking why? Why me? Why is this happening? Why is it so hard for one healthy egg to meet one healthy sperm, implant and grow? 

I have a doctor's appointment on Friday so I'll hopefully I'll know more about where we go from here after that. We are likely looking at some sort of loss testing and maybe into a fertility specialist. But, honestly, I have to figure out if I want to go on trying. When is enough, enough, you know? 

Anyway, I might be absent for the next few days while I figure all of this out.  

Support me


Sarah said…
My heart goes out to you! Hugs!
Briana said…
There are really no words except I am so sorry. You and your husband are in my thoughts.
Holli said…
Oh god, Nicole, I'm so sorry. Sending love and hugs your way.
  Kammi Killeen
Oh mama! My heart is breaking for you right now. I'm so so sorry that you are still going through these hard times. My thoughts are with you, Morgan, and Henry. {{HUGS}}
A Mommabear's Life
So sorry you and your husband are having to go through this! Thoughts and prayers are with you both!!
kjw said…
My heart is breaking for you, I am so sorry :(