Tuesday, June 10, 2014

On Loss and My Final Days

So, I've maybe been impatiently complaining about being super pregnant for awhile now. I can feel myself getting crabbier about the situation, but I'm pretty powerless to stop those feelings. But, with those complaints, not a second has gone by where I have forgotten what a miracle this pregnancy is. And as every day comes to a close, I wonder if it will be my last day that I ever get to be pregnant again. 

Morgan and I have avoided talking about whether or not we will try for a third baby after this pregnancy is over. We both know that plans don't really matter, and that it very well might not be an option for us. After four miscarriages in 13 months, we are done planning, done thinking we have any control. When people have asked me if this is our last baby, I stumble over my words and answer with a quick "I don't know" before changing the subject.


But, the truth really is, "I don't know." Tomorrow I could wake up and never get to be pregnant again. And while, there is a certain appeal to that as I'm having painful and consistent{ish} contractions, it's also sad. I hate the not knowing. And, I hate that this is just the beginning of the not knowing. 

With Henry, I was so sure we were having more kids, that all those baby milestones were fun. We were always excited for the next stage. Now, what if this is the last time I have a baby? The last newborn. The last time I give birth. The last time our baby smiles for the first time, rolls for the first time, talks, walks. It's sad.


I'm not ready to be done -- to move away from our baby days. The reality is that we may not have a choice. But, I do have the choice to celebrate our Nora -- our rainbow baby.

The pictures in this post are of a quilt made for Nora and I from the most amazing group of women. These women have been my constant support since I was pregnant with Henry. They have celebrated our joy, they have mourned our losses. The different fabrics were chosen by different women and sewn together into a beautiful celebration of our rainbow baby. It means more to me than I can ever express, and was a beautiful surprise in my final days of pregnancy.

So, to honor this beauty and this miracle, I've made a vow to cherish these last moments of pregnancy, to cherish our sleepless rainbow baby newborn days, to never forget what a miracle this second-chance at parenthood is.

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2 comments:

  1. Gorgeous quilt! Congrats on your impending arrival! The uncertainty can be hard, but you just have to embrace all those moments that come even if they are the last firsts! I know I didn't with Eli, and have several times since wondered if they were the last firsts I would get. I am blessed with thinking that they were not, but you can never be certain! Blessings to you and your little ones!

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  2. I feel you on this post. My heart feels your heart so very much. I have tears in my eyes reading this.

    With Ethan, I was so sure I wanted more kids. Every milestone felt great. Now...now I wonder if I will ever have the opportunity again, you know? It's a hard place to be.

    The quilt is so very beautiful! <3

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