I don't really know where this post is going. I should be blogging about potty training, or our new tot school classroom, or my blog conference tips post that I can't seem to find time to write. But instead, I can't stop thinking about this...
I bought this today. And I'm not really sure why. Its a Haba Pipapo toy -- ages 6 months and up -- clearly a baby toy. I mean, I know why I was attracted to it at the consignment sale I went to this morning. It was a brand new, in the box with the Haba papers inside, wooden toy for $3. How can you pass that up?
But, why? Why did I buy this? Now, its staring at me. Waiting for a baby that is probably never coming. What do I do with it now? Give it to Henry, watch him play with it for 30 seconds and then see him never touch it again, pack it up and sell it at my next garage sale, give it away?
I think I just got caught up in the moment. A glimmer of hope rose to the surface. Like a small feeling of normalcy, "duh, we're going to have more babies, this is a great deal!" It felt awesome and normal and how things are supposed to be.
Then, I get home and reality sets it. I see this tiny thing sitting among the piles of 24 month size pants so completely out of place from the reality of my life. Suddenly its a reminder of everything I am, and everything I'm not. I am not pregnant. I am not trying to get pregnant. I am not the mother of a baby. I am infertile. I have had 4 miscarriages in the last year. I am not able to afford fertility treatments.
And I know there are those of you thinking that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. And that's fine, maybe I am. As much as infertility is a physical problem, it also screws a lot with your head. Little things become big things, and big things become insurmountable. I'm still learning, still coming to grips with my reality, and next time I won't make the same mistake.