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September 05, 2014

On Loss and Our First Days

I've sat down to write this post 4 different times now. Each time I've stared at the blank whitness and blinking curser not knowing where to start. I think "just write something." Right now it's 5:15 a.m., Nora is wide awake and I'm trying to coax her back to sleep. There, I started.

Reality is, this post is hard because I'm feeling hard emotions. I was half expecting to fertility -- or infertility -- to be easier to deal with following Nora's birth, but it really hasn't been. It's just complicated.

I love Nora with every fiber of every cell in my body. The sheer joy I feel holding her, kissing her, nursing her makes every 5:00 a.m. feeding worth it. Sometimes, I just look at her and cry I'm so happy to have her. I will never forget how different things could have turned out -- not conceiving, an early miscarriage, a premature birth. Nora's life will always be the miracle that I prayed and begged for. 

I've honestly never been this happy in my life. Yes, it's still hard having a 3-year-old and a newborn. And I get frustrated, and I've cried from the exhaustion. But, still every part of me still feels relaxed and totally amazed with our little family. 

But the losses are still there. 4 babies, I'll never meet. I'll never hold, kiss, or nurse. I see Nora growing and wonder how each of those babies would have been. Would they sleep like her? Would they be as easy going? Maybe they would be more like Henry? Would Henry had loved them as much? Our first baby would be 15 months or so old right now -- could Nora have been baby number 3, instead of number 2? 


I wrote the above months ago. And, it was just too hard to conclude in any meaningful way, and it still is. I guess that's the thing about loss -- even when it's over, it's not. I'll never stop missing the babies that I don't get to hold. I'll carry the scar of pregnancy loss for the rest of my life. I'll find a way to deal with the scar, but it will always be there. And, I will never forget what we went through, it will be a constant reminder. And, I'll never stop being grateful for the two babies I have because I know how differently things could be. 

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Michele Chronister
Thank you for writing this, Nicole!
Ashley said…
So sorry you are still dealing with these emotions. I wish I could say they go away, but they don't. They only lessen with time. I wonder the same about the babies I lost, but I know if I had them I wouldn't have the ones I have (timing wouldn't work out in or case). I also believe one day I will meet mine, and while I don't know your beliefs, I will pray for you during this hard time.
Amy @ No Greater Honors
I have a friend who has four beautiful children and a very busy life with them. What she doesn't have is the 4 or 5 babies she never got to hold. She still misses that, years later. I can't imagine the hard days you must have sometimes, despite it all. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.
The Maiden Metallurgist
"I guess that's the thing about loss -- even when it's over, it's not."
You are beautiful.
Chelley N
Chelley N said…
This is a beautiful post. After two losses last year, I'm not pregnant with twins. It's so bittersweet and probably always will be.