Skip to main content

On Loss and Our First Days

I've sat down to write this post 4 different times now. Each time I've stared at the blank whitness and blinking curser not knowing where to start. I think "just write something." Right now it's 5:15 a.m., Nora is wide awake and I'm trying to coax her back to sleep. There, I started.


Reality is, this post is hard because I'm feeling hard emotions. I was half expecting to fertility -- or infertility -- to be easier to deal with following Nora's birth, but it really hasn't been. It's just complicated.

I love Nora with every fiber of every cell in my body. The sheer joy I feel holding her, kissing her, nursing her makes every 5:00 a.m. feeding worth it. Sometimes, I just look at her and cry I'm so happy to have her. I will never forget how different things could have turned out -- not conceiving, an early miscarriage, a premature birth. Nora's life will always be the miracle that I prayed and begged for. 


I've honestly never been this happy in my life. Yes, it's still hard having a 3-year-old and a newborn. And I get frustrated, and I've cried from the exhaustion. But, still every part of me still feels relaxed and totally amazed with our little family. 

But the losses are still there. 4 babies, I'll never meet. I'll never hold, kiss, or nurse. I see Nora growing and wonder how each of those babies would have been. Would they sleep like her? Would they be as easy going? Maybe they would be more like Henry? Would Henry had loved them as much? Our first baby would be 15 months or so old right now -- could Nora have been baby number 3, instead of number 2? 

-----

I wrote the above months ago. And, it was just too hard to conclude in any meaningful way, and it still is. I guess that's the thing about loss -- even when it's over, it's not. I'll never stop missing the babies that I don't get to hold. I'll carry the scar of pregnancy loss for the rest of my life. I'll find a way to deal with the scar, but it will always be there. And, I will never forget what we went through, it will be a constant reminder. And, I'll never stop being grateful for the two babies I have because I know how differently things could be. 


Comments

Thank you for writing this, Nicole!
Ashley said…
So sorry you are still dealing with these emotions. I wish I could say they go away, but they don't. They only lessen with time. I wonder the same about the babies I lost, but I know if I had them I wouldn't have the ones I have (timing wouldn't work out in or case). I also believe one day I will meet mine, and while I don't know your beliefs, I will pray for you during this hard time.
I have a friend who has four beautiful children and a very busy life with them. What she doesn't have is the 4 or 5 babies she never got to hold. She still misses that, years later. I can't imagine the hard days you must have sometimes, despite it all. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.
"I guess that's the thing about loss -- even when it's over, it's not."
You are beautiful.
Chelley N said…
This is a beautiful post. After two losses last year, I'm not pregnant with twins. It's so bittersweet and probably always will be.

Popular Posts

The Ultimate Montessori Toy List -- Birth to Five -- UPDATED 2021

When you are interested in Montessori, it can be difficult to know exactly what types of products you should get for your home. Or which types of "Montessori" materials are really worth the price. There are no rules about types of products can use the name Montessori which can add to the confusion. Not to mention, every toy manufacturer slaps the word "educational" on the package for good measure! 2021 UPDATE: Please be patient with links this year, with supply chain issues things are selling out faster and restocking slower. I anticipate some of the specialty toys will not restock once they are gone. Puzzles, in particular, have been difficult to find in stock. So, with this post, I'm going to try to help with this confusion! Here's a list of Montessori-friendly toys and materials for babies, toddlers and preschoolers.  First, let's clarify that there is no such thing as a "Montessori toy." Montessori never created toys, bu

Montessori Toddler: Favorite Toys and Activities 18 to 20 months

I've been putting off this post for a little while because I felt a little disappointed that I didn't have more to share. See, Teddy just isn't that into materials, especially those on the shelf. He tends to return to a couple of favorites over and over again and ignore all other attempts at shelf work. But, really that's my own adult feelings getting in the way of Teddy's own interests, and developmental path.  It's also me subconsciously valuing fine motor skills and stillness as more important than gross motor play and movement. I working hard not to do that, and want to normalize that all toddlers are different. All children have different interests and that concentration doesn't have to mean sitting still for long stretches of time.  This post contains affiliate links at no cost to you. With all that said, here are some of Teddy's favorites over the last couple of months. Favorite Montessori Toys 18 to 20 Months I'm listing the toys that have be

Our Family's Montessori Christmas Gift Lists 2021

It's hard to believe another holiday season is upon us again. Every year I enjoy putting together my kids' Christmas gift lists. It's really a good time to observe them, see what they are interested in and what they might be ready for during this coming year. It's one of the few times a year that I purchase new materials for our home so it's always really exciting. IF YOU NEED MORE IDEAS DON'T MISS MY ULTIMATE MONTESSORI TOY LIST OR MY 2021 DEALS PAGE ! When considering these lists, please remember that these were curated based on my own children. Use them for inspiration but they are heavily influenced by what my children are into and interested in. And for my older second plane children, what they have asked for!  Here's a look at our family's Montessori Christmas lists for 2021!  This post contains affiliate links at no cost to you.  Theodore (Toddler) Teddy is just over 2-years-old. Being our fourth baby, he is really hard for me to think of unique