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December 30, 2013

The Most Difficult Year: 2013 Recap

In December 2012, I thought I had just lived through one of the hardest years of my life. And, I had. But then 2013 happened, and blew 2012 right out of the water. 

This year. I don't even know what to say. It has been the hardest, most challenging, worst, horrible, life-changing year. And, I already know what some of you are thinking -- I have a wonderful supportive husband, a healthy happy toddler and wiggly little inside-baby. But, getting to this place has sucked. A lot. 

This year I miscarried a child in January, March and July. I was on some sort of fertility drug (either progesterone or clomid) for nearly 6 months this year. We spent thousands of dollars on medical testing that led to zero answers. We suffered failed fertility treatments -- which those of you have struggled with infertility know is a devastation in and of itself. 

We hit 12 months of trying for a second child, then 18 months, then 22 months before getting our 5th positive test. We endured weeks of uncertainty {with a 50 to 60 percent chance of failure} to learn whether this pregnancy was even viable. 

I have battled depression, for the first time in my life. Depression that has effected my ability to parent and to be a good spouse. I have been downright difficult a lot of the time -- and Morgan deserves a metal for having to deal with me. He even stuck me with a needle {as part of the fertility treatments} with a smile. And speaking of Morgan, our relationship has had to endure these struggles. It hasn't been easy -- especially when money and time for date nights has been short. 

And Henry, he's had to come with me to so many doctor appointments, blood draws, and ultrasounds. He's had to deal with a mom that can't control her emotions, a mother who has been in physical and emotional pain, and mom who was so tired that some days she couldn't even get off the couch.   

Don't get me wrong, there's been joy this year too. Long, warm summer days where we made the absolute most of our time as a family. Our trip to Chicago to visit some of our favorite people. Henry's 2nd birthday. This blog's success. My time at Blogher. Our new nephew. Seeing Baby K 2.0's heart beating.  

I hope this joy multiplies by infinity in 2014. As the door closes on 2013, I don't plan on looking back. It may be a struggle, and one that I have to work really hard on, but I really want to try to leave the pain of 2013 right here, and just be done. 

So, here's to 2014, and all the hope, promise and joy a new year can bring. 


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Seemi @ Trillium Montessori
Here's to 2014! May the coming year be filled with the kind of days that erase the memories of struggle and leave you overflowing with joy. Hugs for you Nicole!
Kaysha said…
Praying for a better year this year for you! It can be so hard to remain positive when things are difficult for so long, but I sincerely hope all of the difficult days are behind you!
Breanna said…
You and your sweet family are always in my prayers! You are so strong. <3
Unknown said…
I've been exactly where you are 9 years ago. If you need someone to talk to ever, I'm here. I'm sure 2014 will be amazing for you :) Good Luck and Happy New Year!!
Unknown said…
I'm with ya, Nicole...not 2013 but 4 IVF miscarriages and a similar journey with fertility then the decision to choose a surrogate...then 2013 success! There are definitely parts of my journey I won't look back on...but the end result will be my 2011 miracle (stork literally dropped a little boy in our lives, whom we've adopted) and now a June 21 due date via an amazing, beautiful loving in 2014 we get to enjoy our complete family of mommy, daddy, 2 little boys (just found out yesterday!) and 2 boy doggies. Here's to 2014!