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July 18, 2013

Moving Forward, Moving On?

I've been avoiding writing this post. Partly because I don't want to face reality, partly because I really don't know what our new realty is. 

Some of you may have seen on Instagram, or noticed in the last tot school post that we took the crib down. It was the very first baby item  we purchased. I was like 5 weeks pregnant with Henry when we bought it. And all these years later it is still one of my favorite baby things that we purchased. Now its in storage, maybe never to be used by us again. 

It's a weird reality to face. Also, depressing and angry. 

Yet, here we are. Officially, this cycle we are taking a break from trying to conceive. The RE wanted at least a one cycle break before checking on the cysts or trying more medication. If we want to continue with treatment, he recommends more Clomid.

But do we want to continue? As I see it, we have a few options:

1. Try on our own. Pros - I don't seem to be terrible at getting pregnant. Cons - I can't seem to stay pregnant.

2. Stick with the RE's plan. Pros - Clomid lengthens my LP and could produce a better quality egg. Cons - I really don't like my RE, he's an asshat at best, plus at almost $1,000 a cycle we really can't afford it.

3. Pursue adoption. Pros - We maybe get a baby. Cons - It's not immediate, there's no guarantee, and I don't think we can afford an infant.

4. Become foster parents. Pros - We get another child in our house and an amazing opportunity to do something for someone in need. Cons - It could take awhile to get licensed, I'm not sure how Henry would react to children coming and going, and I don't know if infants would be guaranteed.

5. Stop everything and revisit in a few years. Pros - There's no more back and forth, no more ups and downs. We're young enough that kids may still be a possibility in a few years. Cons  - we may never have another baby -- who really wants to start over once their kids are past diapers/tantrums/preschool? We would have to be OK with having an only child.

I don't know, I just don't know. And I don't think Morgan knows. I wish someone could just make this decision for us. Just tell us what is best. Give us some odds. It feels like we are just wandering around in the dark unable to heal or actually go anywhere. Or, as if we are stranded on an island all alone -- we can see where we want to go, but we literally have no way to get there.

So, what do you do? What option would you take?


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Lindsay said…
My parents had me, no problem, when they were 29. It was three years after they were married and they decided they wanted a family and got one, no questions asked. When it came time for them to have another child, they couldn't. My mom couldn't get pregnant after conceiving me with such ease, though science and medicine wasn't to the standards it is now. After what I imagine were a few difficult years, my parents stopped trying and I was an only child. I never thought much about being an only child, even though none of my friends were. When I was 11, when my mother was 40, something happened: she became pregnant. No medical intervention. No fertility treatments. No medicine. She just...became pregnant, and stuck. (She thought it was menopause kicking in, she told me later.)

So now I'm 27 with a 16 year old sister. My mom is a grandmother and the mother to a busy highschooler with homework, drama, hormonal freak-outs and dance practice. My mom is going through menopause and raising a child who recently got her first period. It sounds like a recipe for disaster but, you know, I've always loved it. My sister is my best friend. She was the 12 year old maid of honor at my wedding. She is "my first child" and a huge piece of my heart, despite the age of difference and it's frustrations (she wants to learn to drive, I want her to go to the museum and play with my toddler). And as corny as this sounds, I think having a teenager has kept my mom so much younger mentally and physically than my friends parents. While they're tired and retired and turn in early, my mom is Zumba-ing her heart out at my sister's dance studio and traveling the country with a teenager in tow and generally reliving her youth all over again.

What I'm trying to say is, I can't even imagine how frustrating it is to not know what will happen and to look at your plan -- like you said, who wants to start over when your kids are done being small children -- and see major flaws in it. But, man, the possibilities really are limitless. I'm a huge control freak and an insane planner, but no one really knows what could happen. My mother never thought she'd become a mother again in her 40's. She never thought she'd be pregnant again. It wasn't until I was pregnant myself as an adult that I learned of her fertility struggles, the appointments and pain -- physical and emotional -- and the anxiety and depression it created. (She did a great job hiding it from me growing up, I must say.)

You and your family have been in my heart constantly. I wish I had answers, or a solution, or some useful advice but I don't. I don't know what to say except that whatever happens -- whether you adopt, foster, have an only child or one day have a surprise miracle baby for some unknown reason -- you are amazing. Truly and utterly amazing. <3
Life Is Beautiful
Hi Nicole,

I have been following your blog forever. I have a son around the same age as Henry and I love to see Henry's cute little face.

With my first pregnancy, I tried Clomid and got pregnant after the second attempt, but had a miscarriage about 9 weeks along. I thought it was the end of the world and did not have the strength and courage to move forward. One day I woke up and decided my want for a family was greater than my fear of another loss. I called my RE up and I started Clomid again. I delivered a healthy baby boy 9 months later.

Fast forward 1 year and I called my RE again to begin treatment. I started on Clomid and received negative pregnancy tests. I switched over to Clomid and injectables and still nothing. My RE suggested just trying injectables alone. I was ready to give up, but decided to give it one last try. Guess what? I am due in December with twins.

Sorry I dragged on. Have you thought about changing REs and starting injectables? I have read that injectables help produce much better follicles than Clomid and they will not give you all those nasty side effects.

Please do not give up on your desire to extend your family. Rather it be through IF treatment, adoption or fostering, your baby will come along soon. Stay strong and keep believing!
Unknown said…
I would check with your local department of health and human services, or whatever does foster care. In our state we have foster to adopt parents. You can be asked to foster an infant who will likely be open to adopt later on. You would do those children a tremendous service and it is free. You might also be able to adopt, in most cases the state would help with the costs for that.

I know that is just practical advice. I have no idea what would help you cope with this decision, I have no easy solution for you, but I really hope that you find what you need. You seem like such a wonderful mother, and parents, that any child would be lucky to be part of your family
Anonymous said…
What about taking a break from deciding anything? I don't know if that's possible. But try to take time to just relax and heal and not check to see if you're ovulating or even take a pregnancy test. How many times do you hear the story of, "Once we stopped trying, it just happened." Literally let go for a bit. Relax your white knuckle hold. You're young, six months off will do you some good in more ways than one. God Bless!
Beth said…
I agree that it might be a good idea to take a break from everything--including tough decisions like these. Shelve the whole thing. Make some plans to take a few special outings with your son. Have friends over for mojitos. Enjoy the summer. Come back and make a decision in the fall. If it's possible, just take a mental break--this whole thing has been completely exhausting for you--physically and especially emotionally. You deserve to have a couple months where you just can focus on living, enjoying the good things you do have. Hopefully you can then make the decision feeling a little of the weight lifted.

And then...choose whichever option brings you the most peace. Even if it looks harder or scarier at the outset.

That is what I wish for you: Peace. And joy coming perhaps from an unexpected source.
kelly said…
I have found that when faced with so many options if I just stop and pray and ask for guidance from Him I tend to feel better. Things also work out for the best. I know at this time you may feel like he gave up on you as he has hurt you so much so that's hard advice to take but if you blame him for the problems then only He can fix them. I pray for your family every time I check your blog. I hope you do find the strength to continue as you are amazing parents that work so hard to be a great role model to your child andothers. God bless you all.
The Edwardsesesesss
((hug)) you guys are great parents and a great team. I agree that you should take your time to make this decision. I wish to God there was something more I could do for you. I agree that your RE is an asshat. I still don't understand why he was reluctant to prescribe the progesterone. I wish there was another doc for you to try. blah. ((hug))
Anonymous said…
Is there any way you could find another RE? I'm sorry you're facing this decision.
Anonymous said…
Try letrozole/femara instead of clomid. Both my fertility specialist in Boston (Harvard, Brigham women's) and sf (UCSF) don't prescribe clomid anymore because letrozole/femara is by far better in all regards.
Unknown said…
I have been struggling with some similar thoughts. I was told I would most likely never become pregnant on my own but I'm happy to say without any help from the docs I was able to get pregnant twice and carry full term with each. The problem we have been facing is that I want more kids, my husband doesn't, and then just this week we found out our second child has the same blood disorder that our oldest has. It's a 50/50 chance or a 1 in 4 chance (we don't know where the gene is coming from) that if we have more kids that they could have the same thing and we have been quite lucky to have mild/moderate forms. Is it worth it to try for more and risk the thought of having a child with a serve version of the blood disorder. It's not hard to think about not having any more children. If you're able to pursue other options then that's great! For myself I can only ask God to lead us in the right direction and change my husbands heart towards more children if that's what he wants for us. Oh ya we are celebrating our second son's first birthday in one week and it has been quite heart breaking for me to get rid of all the baby things around here. Not sure how I will feel when it's time to pack up the crib :( I feel your pain. Just want you to know there are others out here dealing with similar struggles.
the naptown organizer
I don't have any advice, but I just want to tell you again that I love you and I hate that you're going through this.
Anonymous said…
Maybe the decision is somewhat being made for you... you having difficulties in conceiving another child may be God's way of saying that it's not meant to be. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and in time what you seek (the answer) will come. Pursue adoption whether or not you are guaranteed an infant. Just know that you are providing a wonderful life for a child that may or may not have. I have 2 cousins that adopted 3 boys. 2 of them are actual brothers, very young when they got them and just recently a baby boy. He was an infant. It's so wonderful to see how happy they've made these children. As wonderful as it is to create new life, sometimes it's not meant to be and the next best thing is to help a child who needs someone to take a chance on them.
Syl said…
No advice because the decision that might have been best for my family might not be best for yours. I just hope you don't let the negativity of the people you are dealing with get to you. You are a wonderful mom to Henry and will be a wonderful one to another if that happens. It's truly for you and your family to be at peace with whatever decision you make, and think of the level of regret you would face in a few years if you made that decision.

Love and hugs!
Jen @ the mama years
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Have you considered a second opinion from a different REI? I truly believe a good doctor/patient relationship is key, so if you don't feel you have that then spending the time/money during treatments is not going to be optimized. Best of luck in whatever path you choose!
Amy @ No Greater Honors
Before I go any farther, just want to say that I LOVE following you and Henry and enjoy seeing your posts and from another mother that works, somewhat tirelessly, to try and keep up to date with new ideas and fun things to do - the love is extremely evident! I wish I knew what to tell you. Personally, having had five kids in 5 1/2 years, it would seem that I've never had these thoughts. But I assure you, they have been there. It was 9 months before I got pregnant with my first, then had a second VeRy quickly, and then it was another 2 years, almost to the day, after my 2nd was born before my 3rd (and we weren't preventing!). It is so easy to get frustrated, and so hard to fight such an overwhelming emotional desire (a God given one, might I add!). I have been praying for you so much - I don't know if you and your husband have a religious/christian background, but I wanted you to know that. I think of Hannah when I think of you and the trouble you've been having - so distraught over not having a child that her prayers came from the inside out, and yet were so personal to herself that she didn't let someone hear, so only her mouth was seen moving. :) I will be praying that you and your husband are able to talk about this, and find the right direction to move in, even if it's just for now, that gives you peace and helps you through this time!!!
Audrey said…
I am so sorry you are having to face this reality. I know you have a million different opinions coming at you, & you may have already looked into this - but have you tried acupuncture? I see a Japanese acupuncturist (it is a gentler approach than the traditional Chinese) and it literally helps with everything I can come up with to mention to the therapist. I have friends who have successfully had healthy babies both through IVF and naturally by adding acupuncture. Whatever decision you make, in the end it will be the right one. Much love xox