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December 30, 2012

Two Faint Lines, Another New Angel

I hate that I'm writing another one of these posts. I hate it. I'm so angry. Angry at my body. Angry at God. Angry with everyone. Angry that I will never get to hold another one of my babies.

Right before Christmas, I started feeling some familiar symptoms. Little twinges here and there. I knew I was pregnant. Last Thursday, those two glorious pink lines confirmed my suspicions. Pregnant. Due on Morgan's birthday no less! Overwhelming happiness. 

The happiness quickly turned into shear panic and anxiety. "Don't get attached, don't get attached" screamed through my head. The lines were so faint. It was so early. I no longer had my pregnancy innocence. That light-hearted joy that I had when I found out I was pregnant with Henry. I now know first hand that not every baby comes home. 

The next day I took another test. I'm kind of a psycho and just had to see the lines again. Well, unlike both my other pregnancies, this time the lines didn't get darker. The test was still positive, just faint. I fell into crippling, overwhelming anxiety mode. By this time I was also spotting, something that has happened with each of my pregnancies. I just didn't know which way this pregnancy was going to go. 

Today, the pregnancy officially ended. Bam. Gone. I think its considered a chemical pregnancy, or super early miscarriage. Whatever its called, it hurts. It does feel different than last time. This baby and I had mere days together, instead of weeks. It's so unfair. So incredibly unfair. Physically, this loss has been easier. Emotionally, it's just has hard. I can't stop thinking of all the firsts, this baby will never have, about how much time is passing between Henry and his siblings, how much this sucks. 

I literally don't know how to move on right now. I know I have to. But, with every breath, I am holding back a lot of anger, sadness, frustration. This sense of loss that I have never had to deal with. I'm slightly comforted by the thought that Elsie is no longer alone, she has a sibling to be with her until we come. 

Well, that's it. I needed to get this out. Blogging has been an incredibly healing process for me, which is why I wanted to get these feelings out. But, I hope you forgive me for extending my holiday blogging break a little longer. I need to some time to get myself together. 

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Heather said…
So sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you and your family during this time of healing. Give Henry a million hugs and kisses, I know he will be trying to do everything to help cheer you up! Hang in there mama. <3
kristykay123 said…
I'm so so sorry. Big hugs!
Erika said…
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Take each day as it comes, and give yourself lots of time to grieve.
Megan R
Megan R said…
Thinking of you during this crappy time. I had a chemical miscarriage too and it was when I was struggling with infertility. I was so excited to be pregnant and then it was taken away a few days later.
Claire said…
I'm so sorry for your loss Nicole. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you peace during this difficult time.
Sarah said…
I am so sorry for your loss! I will be thinking of you during this tough time. Hugs to you!
The Edwardsesesesss
((hug)) I wish I could help you, or at least give you a real hug (or a giant glass of wine). We are keeping you and your family in our thoughts.
Anonymous said…
I know you don't know me at all - but I am so sorry. The loss of a life is hard, regardless of how long you were able to enjoy that life. I know as well as you that God is holding that sweet baby in His hands this very minute, and yet it's hard sometimes to realize that there are things we don't understand and no matter how much of a reassurance it is, knowing your baby is with the Lord, it's still hard. I will be praying much for you! And asking God to indeed bless you in the future and help you in the present. He is truly our 'ever present help in times of trouble'. - Amy Warrick
Kim Chodorowski
Kim Chodorowski said…
Oh Nicole, I'm so sorry :(. My thoughts and prayers are with you and you know I'm here for you. Love you!
RobynHTV said…
I'm so sorry - hugs to you.
Anonymous said…
I'm so, so sorry. I love you guys and really do mean it when I say I'm here if you ever need anything.
kjw said…
Oh no! I hate seeing this post. I am so so so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
Anonymous said…
I am so very sorry for your loss. It doesnt matter if it is mere days for weeks it still sucks and it doesnt feel any better. You are in my thoughts and prayers. :-(
Unknown said…
I am so sorry for your loss, you have every right to be angry, it is not fair that you are missing out on another life.
SAH Attorney
SAH Attorney said…
I am so, so incredibly sorry. ((HUGE HUGS))