According to the March of Dimes, at least one in four women will suffer a miscarriage during their childbearing years. That's 25 percent. And yet, in society, it's very rarely discussed. It's something that women are just expected to deal with on their own in private. That's a lot of women grieving alone.
Well, I hate that. And, I've obviously decided to be much more open then most about my journey with pregnancy loss. But, by doing that, I've become acutely aware that a lot of people just have no idea how to respond to miscarriage and pregnancy loss. I think this is part of the reason people choose to suffer alone following a miscarriage instead of relying on the support of their family and friends.
And, I'm not blaming anyone here. It's an uncomfortable and raw topic. It's hard, even for me to respond when I've learned someone has had a miscarriage, because I know nothing is going to help that person. But, I think there are better responses than others. These are just my opinions, but here are some good responses to miscarriages...
Good Responses
"Is there anything I can do for you right now?"
"If you need someone to talk to, I'm here."
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"You're not alone, I share your pain." {If you've also suffered a miscarriage}
Just offering hugs and physical presence.
I think its just important to honor the pain the person is going through and offer as much support as you can. Miscarriage can be extremely isolating, and its good to know that you're not completely alone.
And you know what will make a woman feel even more alone, saying any of the following. And, yes, I've been told almost all of these.
Just Keep Your Mouth Shut
"It's just natures/God's plan/way." Or really any variation of this.
"These things just happen."
"At least it was early."
"It's better this way, instead of having a child with severe disabilities."
"You'll get pregnant again in no time."
These responses, while often well meaning, are just hurtful -- hands down not helpful, not supportive.
I hope this post serves to help people respond to miscarriage in a more supportive way, so more women don't feel like they need to hide what has happened to them. Anyone else have a positive response suggestion? Or one that people should avoid? Am I way off here?
Comments
-Mandi
Isyourfatherhomeyet.blogspot.com
I am going to share this as it is something that seems to be hush, hush. And I dislike the fact that it is!
My friend (who had her own loss) just showed up at my door with food and a hug, and then she left. My parents left work and took my daughter for the day. Those were about the only helpful things anyone could have done.
Unfortunately, more often than not I've said nothing (or the wrong thing) because I just didn't know what to say or was trying to stay positive. Thanks for this post because I hope it gives me courage to say the right/supportive thing next time.
I think this kind of well meaning (but often hurtful) comfort is common in a lot of difficult for "outsiders" to understand type situations. I dealt with a lot of, "just have strong faith in God" and "God is making you stronger" and "aren't you feeling better YET?" when I was dealing with PPD/A. Well meaning but very hurtful. I just wanted someone to hold me and say that they were sorry, they weren't sure why this was happening but that they would be there for me until I felt better again. I think that's pretty much what we all want when we are suffering and grieving. We just want someone there, not someone to fix it.
Sorry for the novel, and I'm sorry you've had to go through this.
http://www.repmagazine.net/2013/09/16/crucial-new-miscarriage-insight/
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