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August 15, 2013

Consignment Sale Stupidity -- Infertility Addition

I don't really know where this post is going. I should be blogging about potty training, or our new tot school classroom, or my blog conference tips post that I can't seem to find time to write. But instead, I can't stop thinking about this...

I bought this today. And I'm not really sure why. Its a Haba Pipapo toy -- ages 6 months and up -- clearly a baby toy. I mean, I know why I was attracted to it at the consignment sale I went to this morning. It was a brand new, in the box with the Haba papers inside, wooden toy for $3. How can you pass that up? 

But, why? Why did I buy this? Now, its staring at me. Waiting for a baby that is probably never coming. What do I do with it now? Give it to Henry, watch him play with it for 30 seconds and then see him never touch it again, pack it up and sell it at my next garage sale, give it away? 

I think I just got caught up in the moment. A glimmer of hope rose to the surface. Like a small feeling of normalcy, "duh, we're going to have more babies, this is a great deal!" It felt awesome and normal and how things are supposed to be.

Then, I get home and reality sets it. I see this tiny thing sitting among the piles of 24 month size pants so completely out of place from the reality of my life. Suddenly its a reminder of everything I am, and everything I'm not. I am not pregnant. I am not trying to get pregnant. I am not the mother of a baby. I am infertile. I have had 4 miscarriages in the last year. I am not able to afford fertility treatments. 

And I know there are those of you thinking that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. And that's fine, maybe I am. As much as infertility is a physical problem, it also screws a lot with your head. Little things become big things, and big things become insurmountable. I'm still learning, still coming to grips with my reality, and next time I won't make the same mistake. 


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Rachel said…
You're most certainly not making a big deal out of nothing. Infertility and loss are so bloody hard. You're allowed to grieve the future you expected and the babies you have lost. I wish I could say something that would help. Thinking of you xo
Unknown said…
Rachel nailed it. This is definitely not turning nothing into something. Big hugs.
Freule van Oijen
<3 thinking of you...thank you for sharing,respect! I send you lots of love!
Unknown said…
Agree that it's not turning nothing into something. Love you lady and I'm always here to listen if you need to vent. Infertility sucks <3
Anonymous said…
This post hits me... hard. I understand, all too well. Thank you for sharing. Much love and support to you, Kerry
Amy @ No Greater Honors
My heart is crying for you right now! I thought of this very thing when I saw your post earlier today on FB. I agree with everyone else - I don't think you are making a big deal out of nothing. There may come a day when you have to get rid of it. I know sometimes it's a hard, but necessary thing when you have to face reality of something very painful and seemingly unfair. That being said, I think it's a show of a glimmer of hope in our heart. And that's not a waste, either - I don't think. If nothing else, seeing that toy will remind you to pray and remember that having a baby is truly a precious thing - who knows - it may be years down the road and a pregnancy may take you by surprise. Keep it - you may be able to pull it out and remember all the hopes and prayers. :) Sending lots of (((hugs)))!
Unknown said…
I hear you on this one, and it is not making something out of nothing. Some times you just can't help but feel sad about things that will never be. It is normal and part of life. I do not have the same issue with infertility, but with a difficult pregnancy we decided one was probably enough to hope for. There are still times when I wistfully walk by the baby stuff at stores or watch a pregnant woman and wonder. Feel your pangs of grief, then smile and remind yourself of all that you do have. My heart is with you today and sending you joy.

Syl said…
Sending you hugs and positive feelings.